Envy: A Heavy Burden To Bear
I cant help but share a perspective to Ben Okri’s masterpiece; Starbook, even though he was talking about a love story, it also in my point of view aptly describes a common human disease – envy. When you have become ‘a spotlight’ in your family and your people don’t know why they cant ‘handle’ your ‘successes’ but instead become cynical by putting you under their microscope of judgemental scrutiny, you feel robbed of your space, misunderstood and ultimately find yourself drifting away from them because you are not celebrated.
Such imprudence I find intriguing! To think that these are the same people who when you were all small fries at the back side of life, joined hands with you in prayers and wishful thoughts of better and beautiful things to come. Instead, they have now become self-appointed critics of your every move and actions simply because they cant handle any semblance of success or edge that they perceive you have over them.
They go the entire length and breadth of bitter diatribes about you, leaving behind their own baggages of dysfunction.
Of all the disorders of the soul, envy is the only one no one confesses to- Plutarch, c. A.D 46-120.
If you are often talked about in a critical way, not so acknowledged in your kind gestures, mostly ‘attacked’ in perceived rebellion, take heart, accept it graciously and take none of it personally.
We fail to realise that in sharing in other people’s joys of success, we set the stage ready for our own upliftment. If your heart misses a beat at the news of a close relation’s or compatriot’s achievements, them know that you have the seeds of envy studded on the inside of you, hence, expel it outward as inspiration that would propel you to be at your best in your own endeavours.
May I present this excerpt from Ben Okri’s StarBook- A Magical Tale of love and Regeneration:

"…No one thought to leave him alone so that he could come round in his own way.
They fretted over him and trouble him with their fears and projections. They made him the concern and the problem and the focus of the kingdom.
They interfered with every aspect of his life. They gave him no space to grow into his own man. They robbed him of space and time.
They spied on him everywhere he went. They reported his every move. They misunderstood his every gesture and utterance. They magnified his silence.
They distorted his stillness. They suspected his prayers. They saw sinister aspects to his complete innocence.
And so, unwittingly, they drove him further and further away from the kingdom…"

If you are an exceptional person with excellent achievements, look out! because you’ve just made yourself a target of envy!

Weddings and Parents

My friend ‘Layemi was complaining the other day about how her parents have completely taken over arrangements for her wedding. “ I practically have no say in any issue without them retorting ‘bayi la se n se e!’ ’’ (meaning, this is how things are done!), she complained.
She said she angrily stated ‘bayi, l’emi fe se e! (meaning, this is how I wish to do my own thing!).
I laughed at her dilemma, but with alarmed recognition of course, because I know the uphill task she’s got herself involved in.
When I asked her what her fiancé‘s (Dayo) views are in all of this, her face lit up as she said, “He’s playing it ‘mellow’ with his own folks and trying not to get them too involved in every details except when it’s absolutely important or when they ‘push’ him for ‘info’ . The only issue he noted that he had with his mum was the style of wedding dress his bride-to-be should wear!
His mum said she wont feel comfortable if ‘Layemi should wear a sleeveless wedding dress not to talk of a ‘spaghetti’!
And Dayo calmly responded “ don’t worry, it’s neither of those, because we’ve already picked her wedding dress which I love to pieces! and it’s a strapless wedding gown, so get used to this one cuz it’s what I’d love to see my wife-to-be wear on our wedding day!’’.
Of course the mum wasn’t happy about it, but he didn’t encourage her opinion by not talking about it any further and urging her to engage in ‘more productive’ issues like getting word out to all other family members concerned…
… anyway, I don’t share the view that parents should be left out of our wedding preparations, if at all anything, we need their ‘wisdom’ and ‘solidarity’ to enjoy the celebrations. However, many parents, especially those in our parent’s generation have this notion that their children are an extension of their own lives. A notion I strongly disagree with. They have forgotten that once upon a time, ‘these children’ were in deed children, but now they have grown and ready to explore the world ‘their own way’ and all they need now are cheerleaders and a fan-club to face the games of life and not a parental shield of control and judgmental manipulations.
Parents let your children make ‘their own’ mistakes, the irony of it all is that they wont make too many because wired in every individual is his/herr own blueprint for survival and whether we like it or not, it’s not going to be the same formula as their parent’s. Parents should begin to wean themselves off their children gradually as soon as they start becoming young adults. So that when ‘that’ time comes, you’ll be ready for their ‘bombshells’
On a more reassuring note, every parent who spends time bringing up their children well with sound values and proven results in their own lives, need not worry about how their children would turn out. They should be confident of the kinds of kids they’ve been able to raise and this in turn with bolster their children’s confidence in themselves and earn their parents’ trust ‘cuz they’ve got their backs, shikena?